not home for a holiday

the lobo side of my family

i’m missing a san francisco setting
spending some of thanksgiving wishing

for a road trip to the city
family in a car with me

craving auntie mila’s gravy
playing with bella, char & cary’s baby

can’t wait to hear gina’s laughter
and joe’s jokes after

avoiding saying the prayer for grace
we’re all betting william’ll volunteer to do it if we each look away

i’m waiting for mom to appear at my door at any moment
but i’m spending some of thanksgiving hoping

for pancit, rice from a cooker, appretada,
honey ham, chop suey and lumpia

not hungry for a dinner or dessert
but for familial company, that’s for sure.

janice.

fun in philly for a day!

Mary, Kirstie and I took a road trip and landed in Philadelphia, PA for a day! We LOVED it, can you tell? Hahahaha.

We chilled with/got to see our girls Michelle and Catzie from Yellow Rage. Thanks to Gayle, Toni, Gary, and everyone that we met that night at the Asian Arts Initiative – the show was amazing! Kelly Tsai is a phenomenal, personable performer. We travel far and wide to see, hear, taste and feel good poetry. The other open mic’ers were brilliant and I hope to be back there soon! Philly is definitely in my Top Three U.S. Cities list.

janice.

homesick homechick

for carla - DC metro's newest resident pinay

your eyes still carry san diego sunsets
your skin still awaits west coast weather
but the cold crashes against your core
shattering all senses of center
this homesick homechick

stares at streams of stilled images
pixelated people
running skype like running water
you need both to live
sometimes survive

AIM closer to home
sleeping with the computer on
because it replaces what’s closer
to becoming erased
if you don’t savor it
you might not save it

i know it’s tough
to be in a Dehydrating City
that DisConnects you
from oceans full of support
but here, you must make waves

i told you that it took me three weeks
to turn wishful thinking
into teachable moments
prescription packages
of self-empowerment

homesickness only heals
with caplets of time
imbibe seconds slowly
chase with dreams
and the restlessness will liquidate

 

Welcome to the East Coast, Carla! I know it’s not easy and I know it’s easier for me to say as someone who’s leaving this place in 12 days (yup, the countdown is on and poppin). But until then, we’ll own this city one museum, one FAIL jumping picture and one inside joke at a time. Staying indefinitely has got to be a blessing. You will do well here. I believe it!

FAIL jump in FRONT of the Lincoln Memorial. You can't even see it! photo by Carla (jerk) Pineda

janice.

overdue process: good stuff

This past week has been all sorts of crazy-busy! I’m overdue for a journalistic blog entry. My boss always says the phrase “good stuff” to comment on things he likes, so I’d thought I’d make this newfound inside joke this entry’s namesake.

My time in Washington, D.C. is winding down but that doesn’t mean things are slowing down. I always just imagined that I could be doing the things I’m doing now. This type of networking, meeting amazing artistic people and salivating at stage space is so NEW to me but I feel so amazed and blessed. I’ve been womanifesting and letting miss universe and mother nature know that I’m ready for all of the happy things. I know it may still sound strange, but I’m learning to ask the world for what I want and I am gradually getting them. It works, yall! No joke. You just have to ask. I’m applying faith – it’s time to see what art and writing can do for me. And you, too.

Things are picking up as far as my dreams, my career and my process is going. All I can think about is anything related to writing and how I’m gonna turn this out and make this work for me now that I’m putting all of myself in. (Wow, typing that just made things a lot more real.)

I performed at the DC Filipino Young Professionals “beat drops” Typhoon Ondoy Fundraiser on Veterans’ Day, Wednesday, November 11th at DC’s K Street Lounge. While some of my folks were rallying at the Justice for Filipina/o American World War II Veterans in Los Angeles Historical Filipinotown, I seized the day and opportunity to read a short poem I wrote about that youth movement. (After all, learning about the veterans as a first-year in college was the catalyst into the world of artivism. I haven’t left ever since.)

Here are some thoughts that must run through most performers’ heads when they’re on an elevated stage while hella people stare at them:

Shit, are they feelin me? Why can’t I see anyone? How come people aren’t smiling? Can they tell when my poems end? Thank Goodness for (free) Chardonnay – my drink of choice in DC.

All in all, it was a great night and I got to meet a lot of cool people. Thanks to my girl Kirstie and the event’s organizer Jerry for bringing me out! And I very much appreciate my roomie Jen for coming with. I hope DC FYP will be able to put on more events like this one.

And now, on a drastically contrasting note: The day before this, I went to Aiton Elementary School in DC to help my boss with a workshop for parents’ and their roles in poetry for their children.

Oh, and he was preceded by a special greeting by the Aiton ES cheerleaders.

I think the workshop really helped and encouraged the parents. They got to hear some of Kwame’s poetry and they got more books to bring home. I’ve never seen students so excited to read as much I have since I’ve been interning here. It’s nothing short of amazing!

My lovers & friends (as in, they’re each other’s lover and they’re both my friends) Caz and April flew in from San Diego to take over DC! Here’s a lovely shot of them subverting gender norms on the Metro: 

 We spent their first day at the Smithsonian American History Museum where 1) admission is free, 2) we were bombarded with pop cultural artifacts, a whole lotta President Lincoln, fun maps and 3) touched displays we probably shouldn’t have played with but did anyway. The self-guided tour was also entertained by our delicious social commentary on how small the exhibit on immigration was, how people of color are significantly made absent and how much former Presidents and First Ladies owned strange objects and resembled and reminded us of icons like Mr. Burns or our friends Marcus and Malou. 

I’m happy that I got to see them both! We had fun walking around DC and I’m glad they got to feel me on how awkward this business casual-binary world of politics operates. It’s definitely a win to have conscious, critical friends that are willing to visit you from across the country. 

You might not believe what I had lined up for Thursday, but I straight up spent the day in the countryside. Why does traveling to the country make me feel like I’m in transit twice longer than I actually am? Past work experience has taught me to have a high tolerance for ambiguity, so here’s a sufficient photo of country space for a Pinay like me who is never a happy camper and sticks to cities as much as possible:

taylor swift ain't got nothin on this kind of country.

After trekking out in the Baltimore woods near graveyards and cemeteries, searching for wings amongst sushi and waking up the next day to put on a six-hour long publishing workshop with middle school students, I read some poems at my boss-mentor-supervisor-newly published author Tinesha Davis’s book party on Saturday at her amazing home venue in Chantilly, Virginia. The event was crackiiin – there was a belly dancer and a high school step team there to fill in the audiences’ imaginations. The book is split up into the stories of three sisters – Dominique, Donya and Damita. I read poems about unrequited love  before a belly dancer (Dana Smith-Rogers), performed a yoga piece to India Arie’s song “Ready For Love” and students from the Freedom High School step team stepped, danced and sang for us. I’d never been to a book launch party, but now I know that these events can rival some of the best clubbing experiences I’ve ever had. The night was full of entertainment, good food, and of course, copies of her book Holler at the Moon. (Buy yours today!) The party got me thinking about what I could possibly womanifest for the future…

I’ve been reading Holler at the Moon on and off and I find the drama and the tragic womyn stories extremely compelling. It’s not the kind of book that I’d read before I go to bed to calm myself down to achieve inner peace because it makes me want to read on. I can never seem to find a comfortable place to stop, the titillating desire to know more never ceases with these stories and these characters. I definitely recommend this book!

home!

And onto some more good news! After finally finding a DC Hip Hop joint (Steve’s in Dupont Circle), finding a $20 bill on a bench in my building (and then buying empanadas for my friends with it!), kickin it in DC streets until 4 in the morning and getting used to this East Coast cold weather — I landed an interview and an exciting internship opportunity with New Village Press based in Oakland, CA. What can I say? I love the East Bay. I can be around more books and I can engage literacy from a fresh perspective. 

I can fully return to the center of my universe for the time being. I can remember what it’s like to stay in one place indefinitely for more than a week, a month or a whole quarter. I’ll have my room (and wardrobe!!!) back home to wish for the world and my travels. I’ll be an official college graduate (although the UC system needs to get its act together by not implementing fee hikes for my fellow struggling students) from UCSD.

When I get back, I am going to dream big, work hard, continue to hustle and live. 

Yes, world. This is good stuff.

janice.

morning paper

From the looks of things, Jasmine Hill meant business.

The 20-year-old college student issued a call to action to hundreds of her peers at the University of California San Diego who rallied yesterday in response to the state budget crisis.

There was no time for equivocating.

“Who’s ready to make some real moves?” Hill shouted into a microphone, as a sea of faces — many of which were brown-skinned like her own — gazed back.

“Go organize on your campuses,” said Hill, a third-year student at the University of California Los Angeles. “I can’t imagine a campus with people who don’t look like me. Somebody needs to make some real moves.” 

(see the article here…)

I woke up this morning to my busy girl ading Gracelynne West’s beautiful face and activism on the front of my internet home page – the Education section of signonsandiego.com. In the photo posted above, Gracelynne is the fierce Pinay in the middle sporting the Tommie Smith left fist pumped in air. After reading the article, I thought about how bad it’s gonna be for more students of color if the UC Regents approve this 32% fee hike. One of the students quoted in the aforementioned article talked about how it’s an accomplishment to get into the university, but that it’s another to stay in it. It’s so true! It’s sad and real to think that students who worked so hard to get in have it easier to think about dropping out, and foreal, I remember what that day in my third year of college looked like. I’m sure I wasn’t the first or the last UCSD student to hold down more than 1 job and more than 4 classes at once. I’ve known so many students who have come and gone throughout my undergraduate years due to financial issues, the university’s white culture and so many other things related to the reasons why many students of color have a tough time adjusting.

Please read more about what the students, staff and faculty are asking from the UC Regents by taking a look at this petition created by a coordinating council at UC Berkeley. 

janice.

economical comic relief

by lela lee

i see how this sick cycle works
we are taught to work hard, give in,
buy everything, make money to spend
survive another paycheck
just to do it all over again

for people in my position
struggling is not a phase
it is permanent
it is perpetual
it stays

i’m tired of wondering if i’m good enough
if my resume represents four years of the stuff
i poured my head and heart into
i swore that it’d pay off one day
and i still can’t catch a break
that lasts longer than i need it to

i’m trying to be patient
trying to grow without an academic system
how do you network
without people inside it?
landing a job is about who you know
and i’m resisting giving in
to this kind of nepotism

i stopped going clubbing
and i gave up drinking
because these days,
i’m penny-pinching
(although a guinness sounds so nice
right about now)

i’m telling myself to
stay hungry
stay foolish
stay ambitious
you’re an artist.

does complacency sound so bad when you’re starving?

 

janice.

Notes to Self: Fall 2009 Edition

1.
When men cat call with lines like “Damn, girl, you fine as hell,” I wonder if I am supposed to take it as a compliment. I mean, in most Christian denominations, hell is a place of pain, wretchedness and it is nothing I’d ever want anyone to feel. Not even you, womanizer. And really, what does your holleration accomplish?

2.
Washington D.C., your big, tall buildings and big, tall white people still do not scare me. Neither cut me down to size.

3.
Writing is like magic. If you’re a control freak, then it’s hard to be a writer.

4.
I fear for people who do not move fast enough on the BART or on the Metro. I hope they don’t get caught in between automatic doors on the trains. I hold my breath in hopes that they make it over the threshold and across the yellow lines safely.

5.
There are still some things about the past that cannot be changed. You might be able to change the way you understood things.

6.
Not everyone is out to get you, girl. Learning acceptance and learning to accept help is necessary for growth.

7.
I miss California because I miss being Pinay.

janice.

interlude: by catzie of yellow rage

i know i've had partially blonde hair for a while now, but i still wonder why...

“…she’s Asian. Yeah. Who am I to to be sermonizing you about pride? As if my roots had never been soaked by ammonia and peroxide? As if my own vision was never tinted by synthetic plastic lenses, my own body whitewashed in Eurocentric ideals of beauty? And you might see me as hypocrite, and tune me out, but I can only relay this to you, as proof to you, that a clean cut head and dilated pupils ain’t so bad after all.” – Catzie Vilayphonh

janice.

 

D.C. stands for Donning Closure

taken in Deanna's Car

My girlfriends Mary and Kirstie and I have spent some time creating alternative monikers for the District of Columbia. Between the three of us, together or apart, we probably have about a hundred accurate definitions as to what D.C. could mean.

I never thought that I could Dream Chase as much I have. I didn’t think I could Draw Conclusions about how Draining California was. I’ve had a lot of time to think about where I was before I got here. I forget that the inevitable Departure from College will take place as soon as my internship with Book-in-a-Day is over. I remember spending Days under Covers upon arrival and Drowning in Challenges. It was like learning to love someone you’re stuck with – like some kind of step-sibling or a roommate you can’t stand.

Living in Disdain Constantly can’t be good for the soul. Now that I know how Days Can strike like minute hands on clocks and Disappear Cleverly, I want to smooth out the Deep Creases before me. I’ve processed the past, who I was a month and a half ago, and I’m still barely bouncing back enough to call myself okay. Like India Arie (and many others) sang, “All the things I thought I’d figured out, I had to learn again.” Something I know for sure: in every form of heartache and longing, there should be healthy healing. For me, DC has been about forgiveness as much as it was about gaining experience.

Last week, I purchased my one-way ticket back to San Jose. I’ll be back in the center of my universe in exactly a month from now for who knows how long. As much I told people that I didn’t get along with DC, I just know that this past week has been the path towards accepting it for what it could offer me and not for what it couldn’t. DC’s black-white racial dynamics Drastically Contrasted from Diversity in California and it’s enough to Drive a Filipina girl like me Crazy.

Last week, in Long Island, I started womanifesting foreal. After some inspiring conversations from my boss-mentor-supervisors Tinesha, Deanna and Kwame, I woke up owning my days, making each one better than the last and hungrier to make things happen for myself. I’m going to Discover Creativity and Diagram Change in DC by taking advantage of book readings, getting lost in bookstores (Borders has a small poetry collection and this makes me sad), going to more open mic nights for work or not, meeting more poets, educators and writers to jump start this East Coast network of people who feel me. I guess this is what it’s gotta be like for now.

I womanifest living up my last days on this (b)east coast, I Declare Control of my Destiny and Career, hope to learn to love myself through these stanzas, line breaks and spacing. Now that I have a better idea of my expiration date here, I can work-play like it’s the night before a midterm and cram everything I’ve always wanted to learn in DC.

“Don’t block the blessing.”

janice.

9 reasons why the people upstairs make so much noise

1.
They are playing hockey in their living room with a million dancing leprechauns.

2.
The leprechauns believe that the portal towards their home lies in between our two apartments.

3.
The movie Dodgeball is on T.V. and they are channeling the movie’s players. I mean, how could they resist? Ben Stiller is inarguably attractive in that movie.

4.
Like the people next door on Wednesdays, they don’t have class tomorrow and they choose to party instead. Maybe Halloween wasn’t enough for them.

5.
They are assholes.

6.
Their apartment came equipped with the only Dance Dance Revolution game, pad and gaming console owned by the University of California. The Regents are their special guests for the evening and I should be more understanding of the fact that they’re hard at work.

7.
They’re building a not-so-secret bridge to the Hotel next door to receive special wireless internet permissions from the infamous “Pandas” network.

8.
Kickboxing, maybe? And they got together to buy a horizontal punching bag. Whoever gets the most consecutive punches gets to keep it. They love making noise, in fact, they get a kick out of it.

9.
Dance party! My roomies and I never check our mailbox or Facebook inboxes enough for an invite.

janice.